Big Daddy Gouda

With 2011 set to kick off in days with Jay/Jamie’s (somewhat) annual New Years Eve Party, I think it’s time to reflect back at the past 12 Months:

2010 started off at a bar. Yes, for only the second time since my friends and I started celebrating New Years as a group we spent the evening, not at a house party but at an establishment. If I had to sum it up in a word, “Meh.” Not a lot of people attended and by midnight rather than try and find someone to kiss I was looking for a sober ride home.

In February I spent Valentines Day with Ashlie. We did dinner (sushi) and a movie (The Wolfman). And while I wouldn’t call it the most romantic night I would call it one of my favorite Valentine’s Days. While that was the most fun I had in February the worst time I had is when I went sliding off the road into a guard rail and blew out my tire. And I thought Jeeps were supposed to be good in the snow. Like my dad says, “Yeah but not when you’re trying to take a corner going 30 during a blizzard.” Touche

March and April, for the first time since I left home for college in 95, were moving months. I left my family home and moved into a studio apartment in Litchfield. The area surrounding my home was beautiful. Forest as far as the eye could see. Along with that forest came ticks and toads who entered my small home any chance they got. I think Bub said it best: “That place is nice Gouda but after a while you’ll start to go a little Clockwork Orange.”

So, on April 1 I moved again. Keely’s mother-in-law had a pet friendly, spacious, two-bedroom apartment available in Torrington. The rent was more than reasonable and the selling point for me: A five minute walk to the movie theater.

May brought to a close my favorite show of all time. LOST ended after six seasons with a two-hour finale that I found most impressive. For most I don’t think life without LOST has sunk in. But as we get into the first few weeks of 2011 the reality will sink in because, after all, for the past few years, late January, early February is when LOST would have its season premieres.

The start of the summer brought new life. Aidan and Grayson welcomed a brother, Oliver while my sister made me an “Uncle Walt” for real when my niece Bella was born July 2. The rest of the summer was sorta ho-hum. I saw some great films like Inception and Toy Story 3 and some really bad ones like A-Team and Salt. Salt! What was I thinking??

Fall had its ups and down. The demise of the New York Yankess was pretty fucking awful while Jamie’s Halloween Party was pretty rockin, natch. My parents got me an early Christmas present this year in the form of a 50-inch flat screen TV. Besides Andy it’s the nicest thing I’ve ever owned.

And speaking of Andy. While last year him living with me was kind of work in progress, in 2010 he definitely became part of the family. I never thought I’d feel that way about a dog but it just happened. I mean, how can you turn your back on someone who is always happy to see you? My father, who I always thought hated animals, always asks about Andy whenever he calls. Gesette bought him a house-warming gift when we moved (which he destroyed by chewing to pieces) and this Christmas when I went to my moms there were not only gifts for me but for Andy as well.

Who knows what 2011 will bring. Some things I’m already looking forward to include U2 at Giants Stadium on my birthday and, of course, Jay and Jamie’s wedding. Other than that, who knows.

Hopefully see a lot of you Friday. And keep an eye out for my annual Top 10 Films of the Year list where I’m sure Tooth Fairy will be #1.

As most of you know there is a somewhat annoying little numbers game going around Facebook these days.

And,  I’ve decided to do my OWN version. I’ve assigned my own numbers to my Facebook friends, along with a little blurb about them, but it’s up to my wicked SMART friends to figure out who they are.

btw, I’m only doing a few for now.

1 – I don’t think you like me very much but that’s okay cuz you don’t really know me.

5- You are a true friend who does tons for me and asks nothing more in return then that we spend a little time together once in a while.

6- Your status updates are really really annoying. But I love you…sorta.

10- Even though you’re a drama queen, I love you…sorta.

21 – We were kind of chummy in high school. According to your Facebook photos you kind of turned in to a knockout and I wish I had at least attempted to scoop you up way back when…Call me!!

24- You always  seemed like a really nice person with the most sincere intentions yet I think I was kind of a jerk to you most of the time. Sorry.

29- You are mad cool. Most of the time I think we may share a brain.

54 – If I didn’t have you to talk sports with I’d probably never talk sports.

11 – There were times in my life that I told myself I was never speaking to you again.  Now when I think of all those disappointments I just laugh. Whenever you call, I answer the phone. Everytime. And I can’t really say that about anyone else.

666- You have nice feet.

31 – I used to tease you endlessly. Then one day a mutual friend told me you hated me and thought I was an asshole. From that day fourth I teased you a little less. Just a little.

23 – You were kind of a fuckup who I really believed was gonna end up dead in an alley somewhere. But you pulled it together and i always hope you are doing well.

99 – Sometimes your stories go on and on and on and it can be hard to get a word  in edge-wise, but you have always been a loyal buddy who seemed to truly care what was going on in my life.

720 -You need to lose weight and cut your hair. Find a higher paying job and get a nicer car. Then maybe you’ll find someone to marry you…maybe

NORTH POLE – In a shocking development, the United States Department of Defense has declared Santa Claus  “Public Enemy #1″ and expect to serve him with a slew of  arrest warrants when he sets foot on American soil during his annual Christmas Eve trek.

The arrest warrants are the result of a three-year investigation which was launched in 2007 after Congress created a new law making home invasions a felony.

“This guy has basically been entering people’s homes without permission for the past 100 years,”  said Owen Liberman, spokesperson for the Department of Defence. “He comes in uninvited, helps himself to cookies, milk and God knows what else!”

Over the years many home owners have reported that, along with half-eaten cookies and empty milk glasses, they have also noticed jewelry and other household items missing, according to Liberman.

One woman in Tennessee, who lives alone, found out she was pregnant shortly after Christmas in 2008, according to the arrest warrant. She couldn’t recall the last time she had been with another man and reported seeing a red glowing light outside her window on Christmas Eve and then waking up under her Christmas tree, half-naked, surrounded by red balls of fuzz and with no memory of the last several hours.

Officials at the Department of defense are encouraging Americans to detain Claus if they happen to catch him in their homes on Christmas Eve. Anyone found to be aiding St. Nick will be charged as an accomplice, officials said.

Experts don’t expect these warrants to stop Claus as this is not the first time the Jolly Fat Man has escaped trouble.

In 1986, Santa dodged an onslaught of bullets after flying over Los Angeles during a gang war between the Bloods and The Crips.

More recently Santa had to finish his holiday deliveries with eight, rather than 9 Reindeer, after Donner was sucked into the engine of a 747 while flying over JFK Airport in 2002.

They say all good stories have three parts, thus the Trilogy. Star Wars and Lord of the Rings come to mind. Now I’m not comparing my experiences with some local counter girl to two of the greatest stories of my generation…but I kind of am…I guess.

In the first story we met the Donut Girl. I told you about our meeting through Craigslist and eventual flirting at Dunkin Donuts. In the second story, after not seeing her in quite a while, we met again, continued to flirt, but ultimately…nothing.

This morning, for the first time in months, I went to Apple House for gas. Yep, I was up to 40 cents off a gallon thanks to Price Chopper Rewards and the tank was on empty.

Truth be told, I did not think of Donut Girl as I walked in. My mind was filled with work-related stuff.

 I entered the quick mart and glanced at the Dunkin Donuts area. She wasn’t there. Some nerdy girl in glasses flirted with some redneck. Everyone’s got their own Donut Girl I suppose.

I paid for my gas and bought a pack a smokes. I hadn’t planned to get a coffee but I could smell it in the air, and even though it was 50 degrees outside an ice coffee sounded pretty good.

I walked to the coffee counter ready to interact with the nerdy redneck lover. Alas, it was not meant to be. As I approached the counter, who should come walking in the building from outside but my donut girl.

“Walter!,” she said, a mixture of surprise and delight. “Where’ve you been.”

“You make me all hot honey and coming in here is not a good idea for either of us baby,” I said.

KIDDING!!!! Come on.

In reality I simply told the truth, about how I haven’t been drinking much coffee lately and, as she knew, Apple House is out the way from my apartment on Red Mountain Ave.

These all too brief encounters with Donut Girl never go anywhere and that’s my fault but I really just wasn’t in the mood today. I asked no questions of her and I kept my answers short. For the first time in our relationship  I was just a customer and she was just a clerk.

I paid for my coffee, over tipped and began to walk away. But she wasn’t going to let me off that easy.

“How’s your dad?” she asked as I walked toward the exit.

“You know my dad,” I asked, a bit confused..

“We all know Pete,” she responded with a smile.

Now, if she said, “We all know Porkchop,” I prolly would have got down on one knee.

Apparently, back when she worked at the East Main Street shop she noticed my dad and I in the coffee shop together back one day, unbenounced to me. 

 Yeah, it made sense, my dad has gone to that coffee shop every morning for the past 10 years. Of course they all knew him.

I could have just lied and gave the generic “Fine” when she asked, but for some reason I was truthful with her. I told her how dad recently had acid-reflux surgery and was recovering at home.

“Awww,” she said. “Tell him I said to get well.”

And, of course, she sounded like she really meant it.

Then it happened. I heard the words ringing through my head like some divine church bell. ‘We Should Go Out Some Time’. There they were, the words I was so afraid to say all these months, racing through my brain. They’d made it all the way to the tip of my tongue. All I had to do was open my mouth and they would come out. I was sure of it.

I opened my mouth. Donut Girl stood before me, only a counter separated us. She was smiling. I think I got the ‘W’ out when some wobbly old man stepped in front of me.

Donut Girl’s eyes darted toward him. She spoke instinctively, “Can I help you.”

He placed his order and a line began to form behind him. I glanced out the window as a car pulled up to the drive-thru window. Customers swarmed from all angles. My chance had passed. There was no way I was asking this girl out in front of a bunch of strangers. Especially not when she was trying to work.

I turned, and as I had done so many times before, I left Dunkin Donuts defeated.

However, this time as I left there was different feeling besides defeat. It was the feeling of Finality, if that makes sense. An aura came over me as I got into my car. A sense that a date with Donut Girl is just not meant to be. If something was supposed to happen it would have happened by now.

And that’s what I’ll keep telling myself….until I see her again.

Until the start of the next trilogy…

“I have but one dream in life…To achieve my many goals.” Homer Simpson

I live in a modest house in a small town. Someplace like Litchfield or Harwinton. I have two kids, a boy named John after my grandfather but we call him Jack, after my mother, Jackie. I also have a daughter. Her name is Mikelina (mick-uh-leena) named after my great-grandmother. We call her Mickey, like the mouse.

My wife is 5-5. She is a brunette and she is wicked smart. She handles the finances because she enjoys that kind of stuff. She makes the house look nice by hanging up paintings that she does herself. She also maintains a small garden outback, because she likes that kind of stuff.

I don’t have a full time job because I won WIN FOR LIFE and I don’t feel like working. However, just to stay busy I put in a few hours each week at the movie theater. It’s really cool because I get to see movies for free. Thursday night’s are the best. After work, rather than come home, Im allowed the watch midnight showings of films due to come out on Friday. All employees are welcome to do so but most leave. I’m usually alone in the theater and I like it this way because it really is the only time I have to myself.

Being a rich lotto winner I’m allowed a few perks that would be otherwise unaffordable. I have season tickets to the Yankees. I host a weekly poker game at the house, usually attended by anywhere from 4 to 10 people, depending on whose wife will let them out that night.

Jamie is still the queen of Halloween while the Jewetts hold the annual Christmas Party. We usually travel for the Fourth of July but come new Years Eve I throw what is always refered to as “The Party of the Year.”  Sometimes I get a DJ, other times a party band to perform an acoustic set in the garage. Most years though I just make a mix cd.

Of course I still have Andy but we bought him a girlfriend, another Puggle named Alice.

This was supposed to be the year where I travel the globe with Tai, Joe and Jewett, using my wealth to gain us access into the word’s most prestigious setback games, held on all seven continents in Top Secret Locations.  But that will have to wait till next year at the earliest. My smoking hot wife is pregnant again….with twins.

1. If you ask God for a miracle, more than likely you’ll get one. Whether it be creating a mysterious fire so your Pa can find you in the woods or zapping a sick child with lightning so he can be mysteriously healed.

2. If you can play the fiddle you’ll get chicks.

3. It’s okay to cry over spilled milk Really, over spilled milk.

4. No matter how poor you are or how small your house is,  having another baby is ALWAYS a blessing.

5. An older man teaching a young girl to spit farther than any other girl in hero township is not at all inappropriate.

6. Sleeping next to your wife in a small cabin with 4 walls and only one door will not warp your children who can obviously hear EVERYTHING.

7. Eating Beef  Stew, Fried Chicken and Apple Fritters every night will not make you fat.

8. Drinking coffee before bed will not keep you up.

9. People who give you a hard time this week and seemingly show up out of nowhere  to create drama and obstacles for you to overcome will most likely not be around next week and may actually never been seen or spoke of again.

10. Being kind to your neighbors and going to church every weekend will probably get you into  heaven but while your here on earth your sons may die of mysterious illness, your daughter may go blind, your grandson and neighbor may parish in a fire and you may eventually have to sell the farm and move to the city BUT, as long as you know the words to Onward Christian Soldiers everything will work out in the end.

1. Go out drinking

2. Play Setback ;(

3. Watch Sit-Coms

4. Have Sex

5. Run

6. Root for The 49ers

7. Rent Movies

8. Sleep in

9. Eat Steak

10. Buy Cds

11. Use E-mail for anything other than work.

12. Go To Concerts

13. Talk to Joe, Stahj or Chris

14. Take Baths

15. Steal Slim Jims

• First time I experienced death: I was in sixth grade and our family dog Crust was hit by a car and killed as my sister and I waited for the school bus.
• First Crush: I wanna say Lindsey Raymond in third grade.
• First kiss: Susan Scoville during spin the bottle in 7th grade
• First Time I drove a car: My father sat shotgun, screamed at me the whole time and told me I would never get my license after parking in the driveway on a 45 degree angle. I was 16.
• First Fuck: House Party, 18 years old.
• First Concert: Aerosmith @ Lake Coumpounce
• First Love: Jenny from Keene
• First tape: Thriller
• First CD: Def Leppard’s Adrenalize
• First Movie at the theater: It was either ET or Return of the Jedi
• First sleepover: Olin Falfan in fourth grade.
• First car: Renault
• First slow dance: Mina Gavell at Becky Shetler’s bday party.
• First Date: Mina, again. We went to the movies to see Dead Poets Society…or maybe it was The Abyss.
• First Best Friend: My neighbor Steven Matos. I was in first grade.
• First time I ever drank: With Tai and Jessie. We drank beers while sitting on a haystack.
• First drugs: Smoked Weed out of a bong at Larry’s first party. I was a senior in high school..
• First “Hard” drug: Tried coke sophomore year at Keene State College.
• First job: Worked with my father on the maintenace crew at Lakeridge in Burrville.
• First job schedule: Thurs, Fri, Sat: 6 a.m. – 2:30 p.m. Sunday: 6 a.m – 11 a.m.
• First wage: $6.75
• First newspaper story ever written: Covered “Touch A Truck” in New Hartford.
• First baseball game: Yankees beat The Tigers during Bernie Williams rookie year. I was in 7th grade.
• First (and only) time I ever saw my father cry: Feb 16, 1996. The day grampy died.
• First baby I ever held: Aidan
• First time I ever got “blackout” drunk: Senior Year, Larry’s party. Vodka mixed with lemon juice and sugar.
• First car accident: Ads and I were T-boned by a deer when I was 17.
• First wrestling show: 3rd grade. The main event was The British Bulldogs vs Hoss and Jimmy Jack Funk for the tag team title.
• First Porno Movie Watched: Sweedish Erotica, stolen from my dad.
• First blog entry on Big Daddy Gouda: Oct 13, 2005

I can’t believe it’s been five years.

This is going to be fun and maybe embarrassing….for me.

Below are 15 girls that I know or have known. At one point or another I’ve had crushes on 10 of them. Can ya guess which ones? Muhahahaha

1. Julia McKenna

2. Becca Clock

3. Christina Mennaguzzo

4. Tara Lambert

5. Heather Lambert

6. Carrie “Newton”

7. Marcy Warner

8. Aimee Pelletier

9. Veronica Berube

10. Andrea Boden

11. Jill Coffey

12. Krissy Walker

13. KC Gill

14. Sarah Stevenson

15. Heidi Olson

Apparently a woman in the projects was attacked by an intruder. She says he tried to rape her. Maybe he did, maybe he didn’t.

The news crew that came to cover the story hit gold when they interviewed the alleged victim’s brother, who is obviously a crackhead. Now, when the producers realized what a whack job this guy was of course the whole incident suddenly shifted from the alleged victim to her whacked-out brother. Please PLEASE click the video below:

Now, of course the video spread like wildfire on the internet, unbenounced to me apparently. Eventually someone spiced up the video. And….it’s absolutely hilarious. Pants on the ground guy aint got nothing on this guy.

Editors note: Please don’t think I’m making light of this potentially serious situation. Someone already beat me to that.